


you're a sweet relief, you saved me from my brain

by amorgignitamore



Category: SKAM (France)
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, Depressive Episode, Established Relationship, Fluff, Happy Ending, M/M, Mental Illness, and lucas is there to help him, eliott is entering a depressive episode
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-23
Updated: 2019-06-23
Packaged: 2020-05-17 00:15:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19328977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amorgignitamore/pseuds/amorgignitamore
Summary: “No relationship is ever a cure for an illness, Eliott learned that the hard way with Lucille. But some people have such an important impact in one’s life they become something else. Lucas was never just Eliott’s boyfriend, he was something much bigger than that, a soulmate maybe. Lucas became that thing, that sweet relief that gave Eliott a break from his brain, but at the same time, he gave him the strength to fight for the good bits inside his brain because those, along with the not so good ones, are what makes Eliott who is. Lucas didn’t make him better, he made Eliott want to fight to get better and that’s all someone could ask for.“





	you're a sweet relief, you saved me from my brain

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this as if Eliott was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder II. I'm not a doctor (yet) and all the information I got was from research and from talking to professionals in this area, however, I might have still gotten some stuff wrong. Symptoms vary from person to person and I wrote this based on my own experiences with depression and how I feel during a depressive episode, or at least what I can figure out I'm feeling during that time. Still, I'm sorry if this might not represent the way someone else feels. And I'm also sorry for any mistake. I hope you enjoy :)
> 
> p.s. the song title is from one of Bastille's new songs, called Joy. It's a song, that to me at least, is about having a particular person who is always able to make things right for you. That's what Eliott and Lucas are to each other

When he was first diagnosed, his parents asked his psychiatrist about signs they should look for to avoid either the mania or the depression or even both. Back then his mind was so foggy he didn’t hear a word the doctor said. After his last hypomanic episode, he was the one who asked that question. He asked many more. He decided it was time to take better care of himself, not because he was with Lucas, but because he was finally ready to accept his illness.

The doctor explained to him how impossible it is to predict an episode, no matter what kind. “ _Different people suffer from bipolar disorder in different ways. Some feel profound unhappiness but only slight episodes of euphoria. Others have extremely disturbing manic episodes and very little depression accentuated. Some alternate between different moods several times per year, while others remain trapped in a certain state of mind for many months. Most people with bipolar disorder find that their condition improves when they initiate appropriate treatment. There is no "cure" for bipolar disorder, but effective treatment will allow you to control it. Over time, you will learn how to monitor your illness, recognise what and work with the health care team to adapt its treatment accordingly. In the same way, you will learn how to adjust your lifestyle so as to minimise the impact of your illness. This will allow you to live a full and active life._ ”

The doctor also explained to him that he suffers from Bipolar Disorder II, meaning that he has hypomania, a slightly less severe form of mania that lasts for a shorter time than a manic episode does and that he will most likely experience more depressive episodes than hypomanic ones. But this doesn’t mean they will come in a cycle with a scheduled time, he can go months without having either one. He can have more depressive episodes during the winter and less during spring and summer because of seasons depression, but it doesn’t mean he should overlook his symptoms during the warm seasons. And that’s exactly what he did.

He’s only had two hypomanic episodes so far. He barely remembers the first one but that’s the one that earned him his diagnose. The second one happened recently and he remembers that one too well. Despite this, he still doesn’t know what are the signs he should look regarding hypomania. With depression, however, he’s too familiar, he has lived with it for too long so he knows when she’s coming over.

One of the girls in his group therapy, Margot, talks about bipolarity as her roommate, both depression and mania share an apartment, her brain, with her. Because Margot was first diagnosed with depression she says she has lived with it for longer, they were already accommodated with each other. When she was later diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder I, that’s when mania moved in and decided to take over the apartment. That’s why Margot still has conflicts with mania because she is the new roommate that came in and wrecked an already well-established synergy. And that’s what she’s working on now, she’s trying to make peace with her roommates so they can all live in harmony. Eliott related to that metaphor a lot because he too has been living with depression for a long time, she comes and goes without warning living him wrecked every time.

 

He started feeling like something was wrong last week, he was getting more and more tired, drawing less and with less detail. Then his pristine and organised room started to look like a mess mirroring the mess inside his brain. He didn’t shave or take a shower for several days in a row because it seemed like too much work but he only noticed it when Lucas shyly mentioned he smelled a bit. He was now in bed realising all of this and coming to terms with the fact his unwanted guest has been staying with him for almost a week without him noticing it.

It’s the sound of his phone that startles out of his thoughts, but it’s still not enough to get him out of bed. He can hear the birds chirping outside his window along with the sound of the world moving, cars honking and loud people going about their day. It’s almost summer in Paris and it might even be warm outside but he’s still covered with a thick blanket and he doesn’t care if it’s too warm under it. He needs to feel that weight on top of him, he needs to feel something to make sure his brain hasn’t taken over him already. Because he knows the depression is here to take him away. Eliott felt it coming. He could always feel it coming. And it was here in full force.

There was the weird gut feeling that seemed like a volcano ready to erupt. There was the heavy weight on his shoulders like he was Atlas, condemned to hold up the celestial heavens for eternity. There was the physical pain like he was run over by a truck even though he had spent the last two days lying in bed. There was the feeling that his chest was becoming smaller and smaller, but he still couldn't fill his lungs with enough air to take a deep breath. And then there was the sleeping. Always feeling like he wants to sleep but then getting to bed and not being able to fall asleep because his head was too loud.

His head always feels loud but during the depression it gets worse, his conscience talks for hours, screaming and telling him everything he doesn’t want to think about. Sometimes it feels like someone put a bomb in his brain and it’s about to explode, or like one of those cartoons when they have a pump and the head starts to inflate until it bursts. Maybe there was actually something inside his head, explaining the constant pressure he feels on his skull.

Sometimes Eliott just wishes he could jump out of his head for a minute, a minute to himself without pain or tiredness or rushed and cursed thoughts. Sometimes he thinks about how he wished it was possible to feel the same numbness he feels through his body, in his brain, how sometimes weed and alcohol gave him a feeling similar to that, but then he remembers it only lasted for a second and he felt worse afterwards.

His phone rings again and he picks it up to check the time. It’s almost 11 and the alarm that has been going off is from the med reminder app he installed a couple of months ago to ensure he doesn’t forget to take his meds. There’s also a message from Lucas but it takes him a while to read it because his eyes are still adjusting to the sudden amount of light coming from his phone in his pitch dark room.

 

      _“Hey love, how are you feeling? Are you still coming to the park with us? Call me if you feel like it, I love you”_

 

Eliott smiles at the last three words, feeling a bit of ease for the first time since he woke up. He thinks about replying but he gives up on the idea when he realises he has no idea on how to reply. How does he feel? Does he want to get out? Does he want to talk, even on the phone? Before he can come up to even more questions instead of answers, Eliott finally throws the blanket back and gets up from the bed. Standing feels even worse than laying down, it’s like all his sadness fell to his feet and he is now walking with rocks tied to his them.

The tiles on the kitchen floor feel colder on his bare feet than the wood floor in the rest of the apartment and that’s how he knows he reached his destination. He has yet to open the shutters on both his room and in the kitchen, with the only source of natural light coming from the living room window. On days like this he prefers the dark, it soothes him, but because the electric bill isn’t free and he needs light to make is breakfast, he eventually decides to open the rolling shutters just enough for the necessary amount of light to come in.

Every step involving the preparation of his breakfast seem like too much effort, but he knows he has to eat. The voice of his doctor, his mother and the pharmacy lady ring in his head. “You have to take your meds after having breakfast. It’s important you eat something first, even if it’s just some toast with a cup of tea”. So that’s exactly what Eliott does, he boils some water for his tea and puts a slice of bread in the toaster, and while he waits for both, he gets a mug and a plate from the cabinet. The meds are sitting in front of the mugs so he sees them in the morning, it’s just one more way to ensure he doesn’t forget them. In the meantime, he gets the butter from the fridge and moves the racoon magnet Lucas got him aside to get his mood diary sheet from the fridge door. 

The mood diary was something his psychiatrist had come up with to track his mood changes during the month between each appointment. It made the adjustments to the medication easier for the psychiatrist, it helped Eliott’s therapist as well, but most importantly it helped Eliott. After filling today’s chart, checking the boxes according to his mood, how many hours he had slept and if he took his meds, Eliott finally finished making breakfast and decided to eat it in bed, leaving behind the dirty butter knife in the sink and a few crumbs scattered across his counter. Today is not the day to worry about tidiness.

Before he can eat, he opens the shutter a bit, just like he did in the kitchen, and puts on a random overly-watched show on his computer so there’s another sound in the room that isn’t his thoughts and heavy breath. Not even his beloved tea tastes good today and the bread feels too dry and bland even with butter on top, but little by little he eats it just so he can swallow the pills staring at him and go back to bed for the rest of the day.

When his phone rings once again with another alarm, the annoying rattlesnake like-sound that is supposed to mimic a shaking bottle of pills, from the med reminder app, he remembers he as yet to answer Lucas text. He contemplates going out to the park with Lucas and the rest of the boys, they were supposed to go to a fast food place, get some food to go and eat in the park and hang out for a bit. Eliott knows it would be good for him, he usually feels better when he goes outside but now the thought of doing such thing seems daunting. He can’t even get up from bed to go to the bathroom, only going when it feels like his bladder is about to explode, plus he’s too tired to get up, take a shower and find some clean clothes in the middle of the chaos set in his bedroom floor. He should really do some laundry and maybe clean his room so it stops smelling like an animal died here, maybe during one of the little bursts of energy he sometimes gets through the day. Now the most he can do is pull up the covers so it almost looks like the bed is made and push the dirty clothes on the floor to the side with his foot.

Lying on top of the now “made” bed, Eliott finally texts Lucas back.

 

_“Hey babe, I’m sorry but I’m not feeling well today. Have fun with the guys and tell them I’m sending hugs. I’ll talk to you later, or you can come over if you want. Love you”_

 

He goes back to his tv show even though he feels no pleasure in watching it but it’s better than just laying in silence.

 

 

No more than 20 minutes have passed since he sent the text when his doorbell rings. He knows it’s Lucas, so he texts him to let himself in. They exchanged keys a few months ago but they still ring the bell whenever they go to each other’s place, it’s a way of respecting their privacy and their individual space. Exchanging keys was more of a sweet thing they did because they want each other to know their doors are always open for the other. Plus there has been a time or two when Lucas and his roommates have locked themselves outside their apartment and it was Eliott’s set of keys that saved them from having to call the police and fire department.

He first hears the sound of his loud door opening and then that same door being locked, then he hears Lucas cursing which probably means he lost his balance taking his shoes off like he always does, and then he hears the footsteps, getting closer to him. He counts them.  _1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6_ And now he’s finally here, and Eliott is not alone anymore.

Lucas sits on the bed, next to Eliott, lowering his body to give his boyfriend a kiss. It’s short but it’s enough to bring Eliott some warmth. After resting his head on Lucas lap, Eliott is the first one to talk “You didn’t have to come to my rescue just because I said I don’t feel well. You know that right?”

“That’s where you are mistaken, my sweet Eliott,” Lucas says while playing with his boyfriend’s hair, who is now showing a shy smile on his lips from the endearing treatment. “I was the one who needed rescue, I desperately needed an excuse to get out of there.” After seeing Eliott confused face, Lucas continues “They started talking about sex with their girlfriends and then Basile started to get really explicit and I started to feel uncomfortable”

“Because it was a conversation about sex or because it was about sex with girls?”

“Because it was about sex with Basile! I don’t need that type of images in my head!” This actually gets a small laugh out of Eliott, making Lucas feel proud of getting his boyfriend to smile. He knew something was wrong, something has been wrong in the past few days, they way Eliott’s voice changed and how he started to slip away from him. But Lucas still doesn’t know when it’s just an off day or week or when it’s the start of something serious, they are both still learning.

“And how are the boys?” Eliott asked while playing with a small bit of lint in Lucas sweatpants.

“Well, Basile still has no filter and says everything that comes to his mind, the good and the bad. Yann is still in the lovestruck phase with Chloé so he’s happy and sappy. And Arthur…Well, Arthur is the same as always, I think he’s going through something, I heard him arguing with his mom on the phone, but you know how he is, always keeping everything to himself. Much like someone I know…”

Eliott stops fiddling with the piece of lint to look at Lucas. “Maybe you should try to talk to him, he might not want to talk to you but at least he’ll know you care. That works for me.”

The silence almost fills the poorly lighten room if not for the stupid tv show still playing in the background while no one pays attention to it. Eliott is the one who speaks again, “Do you ever feel it’s weird your best friend is dating your ex?”

Lucas scoffs, “Well I don’t think the rules of bro code apply when one of the parts wants to date their gay friend’s ex-beard. Besides, I want them both to be happy, specially Yann. Would you find it weird if Idriss showed up here asking you for permission to date Lucille?”

Now it’s Eliott’s time to laugh and while sitting up in bed to face Lucas he says, “I would find it weird, but mostly because they hated each other. Lucille kept saying things would go to shit because I was keeping a secret from my friends and Idriss said she controlled my life too much. We couldn’t be in a room without the two of them finding a way to bicker at each other.”

There was a weird energy in the room, they both know there’s a subject in the air that they should discuss but neither can find the courage to bring it up. They make small talk for as long as they can to avoid talking about what they really should be discussing. Eventually, Lucas is the one to do it.

“So, how are you actually feeling?” Eliott huffs at the question before Lucas adds “Come on Eliott, do you really think I would come all the way here and not ask you that?”

“I don’t know,” Eliott says in the lowest voice possible.

“You have to feel something, you’re down. I’m just asking-”

“I don’t know Lucas! I never know how I’m feeling. Is feeling like shit a valid answer? Because that’s the only one I can come up with!” The older one straightens up while he speaks, “I don’t know what else to tell you”

“That’s a valid answer”, Lucas says as he caresses his boyfriend’s bare arm, “Have you taken your meds today?”

“Of course I took them! For fuck's sake Lucas, do you think I’m stupid?”, Eliott says as he cuts loose from his boyfriend’s hold and gets suddenly up.

Lucas gets up as well and goes around the bed to reach his boyfriend, “I know you’re not stupid Eliott, but I have to ask you. You’ve told me before how sometimes you stopped taking your medication.”. Now the silent room has become loud, too loud for Eliott to handle. But the loud noises are not coming from the computer, or the street, or Lucas’ mouth. They are coming from Eliott’s thoughts, the bad and negative thoughts, the ones that make him doubt everything, the ones that keep him from thinking clearly.

 

_he doesn’t believe you_

_he’s getting tired of you_

_you are a burden and he will stop loving you_

 

“That was before, that was before last time. Ever since that happened I have been doing everything right. I promise Lucas” The tall boy now looks like a little kid with teary eyes, he’s scared and Lucas’ heart is breaking from seeing him like this. “You. Us. This.” Eliott says pointing to both of them, “That was my turning point. I stopped drinking and smoking weed and I’ve been doing everything my doctors tell me. But sometimes I can’t control how my brain behaves, I try to control it but I can’t” The words come a the same time as the tears start rolling down his pallid face and once one falls the others follow until he’s completely sobbing.

 

 

Eliott learned pretty early that what happens in therapy is only for him to know, being in a relationship doesn’t mean he has to tell Lucas about everything they talk about in there. Sometimes he would share some stuff with Lucas but Lucas never pushed to know more, that was Eliott’s privacy. Once Eliott told him about the time they discussed turning points in group therapy, how each person experiences something that makes them change. For some people, the change didn’t even relate to their mental illness but most of them could pinpoint their own turning point.

A boy in Eliott’s group told them that he was always on and off of his meds, taking them after an episode but always stopping as soon as he felt better. One day he was driving with his younger brother during a manic episode and they had an accident. It was the other driver’s fault and no one got hurt but it was still a wake-up call. It wasn’t a sudden change in mood that made him want to take his meds again, but it was the turning point that helped him realise he should at least try. Medication isn’t always effective when it comes to bipolarity or any other mental illness, each person is different and it might take a while until they find the right combination of treatments. The entire process can be frustrating, the meds, the therapy, the number of doctors, but it’s still worth it if they try. And the success of the treatment also depends on the person taking it because without initiative and some willingness to get better they will definitely fall again in that vicious circle.

That’s how Lucas knew what a turning point was and which one was Eliott’s.

Lucas reaches for Eliott’s face to clean the tears, “Please don’t cry, I hate seeing you like this”

“And my meds aren’t magic pills you know?” Eliott said, sitting down on the side of the bed, “It’s not like I’ll take them and 5 seconds later I feel good, I wish they worked like that but they don’t…”

“I know, I’m sorry you have to feel like this. And I’m sorry for doubting you, but I still had to ask just to make sure.” Lucas was now sitting next to the much taller boy trying to side hug him and comfort him, “You’ll get through this, you always do. We will do it together”

“But what if I can’t get through it? What if you get tired of me being a burden and stop loving me? You should be out having fun, not stuck here taking care of me and my fucked up brain!” Eliott’s head feels too heavy at this point so he just lets his body fall back. Lucas does the same thing but he lies on his stomach and rests his head on his hand to have a better view of his boyfriend’s tear-stained face.

“First, You will get through it! No matter how long it takes, we will live one minute at a time and it will get better.” Lucas rests his other hand on Eliott’s chest and raises a finger at a time to enumerate his points, “Second, you are not a burden, we are a couple meaning there are two of us and we are in this together, I annoy you and you annoy me. That’s how it works, I’m not the one making the rules. Third, if you think I’m capable of ever stop loving you are delusional and probably with a high fever that is causing you hallucinations” Lucas jokingly puts a hand on Eliott’s forehead as if to see if he has a fever causing the other one to laugh.

“Fourth, do I need to remind you that last month you practically moved in with me because I had food poisoning? I was basically living in the toilet, you were at the risk of getting sick too but you never left my side”

“And lastly, you don’t have a fucked up brain, you have a beautiful one” Lucas props himself up to kiss his boyfriend after stating all his arguments.

“Well, my brain is not working the way it should so it is fucked up”

“Oh shit, after everything I just said that’s what stuck?” Lucas rearranges himself on the bed before proceeding “What you most likely have is some sort of a chemical imbalance, which means some of your neurotransmitters aren’t being produced the way or at the rate they should” Lucas' eyes are now really wide, they always get this way when he’s talking about something science related. Lucas’ mom once told Eliott she worried his eyes would pop off when he was little because they got so big when he was excitedly explaining something to her. “Imagine my pancreas stopped producing insulin and I became a diabetic. My pancreas wouldn’t be working as it should but it wouldn’t be a fucked up pancreas just because it stopped producing insulin, it would still have other functions that would make it necessary. The same thing happens with your brain, maybe sometimes it doesn’t produce enough dopamine or serotonin, maybe it produces enough but it’s not transmitted through all the neurones it should. But that doesn’t make your brain a fucked up one. Because that brain is what makes you the wonderful person and the artist you are and the amazing boy I love.” Lucas finishes saying it while tapping Eliott’s head, making him smile once again.

No relationship is ever a cure for an illness, Eliott learned that the hard way with Lucille. But some people have such an important impact in one’s life they become something else. Lucas was never just Eliott’s boyfriend, he was something much bigger than that, a soulmate maybe. Lucas became that thing, that sweet relief that gave Eliott a break from his brain, but at the same time, he gave him the strength to fight for the good bits inside his brain because those, along with the not so good ones, are what makes Eliott who is. Lucas didn’t make him better, he made Eliott want to fight to get better and that’s all someone could ask for.

“I love you,” Eliott said between kisses.

“I love you too,” Lucas said hugging Eliott and kissing him some more, “But I would love you a bit more if you gave me something to eat because I’m starving”

Eliott laughed, one of those big laughs that makes your entire body vibrate and it was like music to Lucas' ears. “I had breakfast like an hour ago”

“What did you eat?”

“A piece of toast and a cup of tea…”

“That’s not enough food! _Allez_! We are having lunch right now!” Lucas gets up from the bed and pulls his boyfriend up with him, “Is there anything in the fridge?”

“There some bolognese in the freezer my mom brought over the other day, we just have to boil some pasta”, Eliott is still speaking but Lucas is already running to the kitchen, tripping and almost falling on his way there, to prepare their lunch.

 

 

“The pasta is almost ready,” Lucas says as he hugs Eliott’s neck to give him a quick kiss.

“Good, I was just calling Madame Soulliere to make an appointment for next week. She told me I should make an appointment if it ever felt like I was entering a depressive episode so she could adjust the medication”

“That’s a great idea! It will be ok, you’ll see. Now let’s eat before I chop off an arm and eat it”

“You are really that hungry? I thought you guys we’re going to have lunch”

“Basile started talking about _his thing_  and I lost my appetite,” They both burst into laughter while Lucas makes a disgusted face remembering that conversation.

 

And they stay like that, waiting for the food to be ready, talking about stupid stuff and serious stuff as well, caressing each other’s faces and being intimate. They love each other and save each other. Eliott is not suddenly better, it will take some time, it always does. But he will get better and Lucas will be there with him through all of the minutes it might take, the good ones and the bad ones. Because Eliott is also there for Lucas’. And they’ll take each minute as it comes and they will love each other through it all.

**Author's Note:**

> So, I haven't written anything besides headcanons for the last 4 years, so I'm sorry if this is bad. This is also the first thing I've ever published. I hope you enjoyed it, even with all the mistakes I probably made. If you want to see more of my dumb stuff you can visit my tumblr, my username is the same as mine here (amorgignitamore). Love you all xoxo


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